July Dream Journal

As usual, I can only remember portions of last night's dreams. The first thing I remember clearly is our housemate, Mike, coming out to my office where I was working and saying one word: "Cigarette". From this I knew he was saying I had left a cigarette burning elsewhere in the house and we were lucky I did not burn it down.

The next segment took place at a restaurant. I had driven there and found a parking spot only to remember they closed at 8 and it was right around 8PM. I got out of the car and walked up to the restaurant and confirmed they were indeed closed. On my way back to my car, my dog Sabrina got out of somebody else's car, and I remarked what a pretty dog she was, and then I realized even though it made no sense that she had arrived with a stranger, she was my Sabrina! She and I started walking towards my car and we came upon a wild animal of some sort. It seemed to be a cross between a wild boar and a cheetah. Even though I had no name for this creature, I could clearly tell it was vicious. I tried calling Sabrina away from the beast but she was intrigued, she wanted to play or fight with it. I screamed and shook my keys and the animal lost interest in Sabrina and became very interested in me instead. I thought, Oh Shit, I should have left well enough alone. It lunged at me and grabbed my keys. I was relieved that was all it wanted, but I had no idea how we were going to get home.
That's all I can remember.

Poker, poker, poker

Every Sunday at Trackside Grill in Ashland, every Monday at Sully's in Marlboro, every Tuesday at Shopper's Cafe in Waltham, Every Wednesday at Applebee's in Hudson and every Thursday at the Best Western/Royal Plaza in Marlboro, myself and a bunch of other EPT players get together and play a little cards. It's ironic that we are the "Framingham" league because not one single game takes place here in my home town.

Sundays at the Sudbury American Legion I have a chance to warm up a bit, with my old crew, VC and company. There's no jukebox allowed on Sundays, because it's coin-operated, but for whatever reason drinking and Keno are both not only permitted but actually encouraged.

Friday and Saturday nights I do not have any regular card games set up except for the third Friday of every month which is my traveling home game.

My dear friend ES used to set up online tournaments, three an evening, until something must have happened because lately I've stopped receiving those invites.

All this poker is a little reminiscent of two years ago when I was playing most nights of the week and even made a blog post with the exact same title.

My reasons then were largely the same as my reasons now. I am a people person. I am interested in learning how to better understand my intuition. I am not trying to win, not interested in winning, and people find that odd which is fine by me.

Mostly I'm there because of my Belief Systems.
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See you tonight
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Should You Offer Help? (Part 1)

REPRINTED WITHOUT PERMISSION from NDW but lots from Higher Sources (and there's  More where That Came From, of Course )

Never offer the kind of help that disempowers. Never insist on offering the help you think is needed. Let the person or people in need know all that you have to give -- then listen to what they want; see what they are ready to receive. Offer the help that is wanted. Often, the person or people will say, or exhibit by their behavior, that they just want to be left alone. Despite what you think you'd like to give, leaving them alone might be the Highest Gift you can then offer. If, at a later time, something else is wanted or desired, you will be caused to notice if it is yours to give. If it is, then give it.

Conversations With God, Book 2 Neale Donald Walsch Page 178

Drums and Nephews

I've never had kids, never been pregnant, and cannot comprehend the responsibility of bringing a person into this world and having to care and feed it until it can fend for itself. I admire and respect every mother I've ever met; it cannot be an easy job.

I have two nephews, age 18 and 12. I've never had enough money to be able to lavish love on the boys in a material way. Instead I've tried to connect with them, to bond with them, mostly with my time. Oftentimes our oldest sister would buy a gift for one of the boys, and offer to let me go in on it. Many times I've taken her up on this, and appreciate her doing the leg work.

I've never considered myself a good gift giver, I've never really felt I knew or understood what other people wanted and why.

However, lately that seems to be changing.

Recently my oldest sister and I had breakfast with the woman who cared for my dad for 8 years. Somehow I knew what I could bring her. I had a shirt of my mom's that I never wear because it has shoulder pads and a turtleneck and yet it is short-sleeved. I don't wear short-sleeved turtlenecks, it feels like a contradiction to me. (Short sleeves are for summer, and turtlenecks are for winter, wtf Ma? Waddupwiddat?)

Ekiria appreciated the shirt, and I feel certain she will wear it herself or find a good home for it.

Something also told me she might like some pictures, so I made a copy of a photo of Dad's surviving family at his Memorial Service August 26th last year, and another one of our whole family from 1996 or 97 when our mom was still alive. I couldn't decide if she might want some lilacs as well so I offered them to her, and in fact she did want them, so I gave her a bunch. It's not like I couldn't get more :)

Recently I discovered I have been friends with someone online who has a daddy that was once in a famous rock band a long time ago. I had no idea this kid was who he is, until after I had already found myself agreeing with nearly everything he said on our forum, prompting me to reach out to him in a PM to let him know I lived in his state and would be happy to get together and chat if we could pull it together some time.

After returning from NC, where I learned there were two more people from my state on the forums (they read a lot but don't post much, so I had no idea who they were) I decided it was time to try putting together a Massachusetts MBT meetup. I love Tom Campbell, and I love his books, I love his forums, and I love getting together with other people who love all that too! So I organized a meetup at the same place I attended my first Consciousness meetup, around Halloween in 2009.

I realize I am taking a long time to get to the drums and the nephews, but that is because I had such a good time at the first and second meetups, and enjoyed the son of the drummer's company on a mushroom hunt in between, and got to meet the famous drummer himself and hang out at their house for a while, and started listening to that old band's music again in earnest, and realized my nephews might like this music, particularly the older one who is a drummer himself.

Then I happened to be in Wal-Mart buying my first MP3 player and what did I see but a boxed set of this band's first two albums at the incredible bargain price of $11.88. My close friend BB's twins were born in November of 1988 so this was a meaningful number to me, and of course I had planned to buy it already anyway, even if the price tag said $25-$30.

I sent my nephew a Facebook message letting him know that the drumming in one of the songs on the first album that I really really love, doesn't actually have my friend's daddy drumming on it, but I hoped he thought the rest of it was ok, and he replied that the drumming was solid.

My nephews are both graduating next month - one from elementary school and the other one from high school. When I graduated high school, my family had my sister's graduation from college that same weekend, and somehow this feels like it's come full circle for me. I want to be at both of their graduations, and I want to come up with some memorable gifts.

My young friend doesn't even realize he brought me closer to my older nephew with the mere fact of his simple existence. Having met rock stars, even aging ones, is a pretty cool thing in most people's eyes. I've met more than my share, in fact there are only two more I can think of that I would be happy to meet. Other than that I'm all set.

It's hard to explain how my friendship with Adam brought me closer to Teryn. They are only about four years apart in age, and although he is not a drummer, he IS a musician, and has a lot of joie de vivre. He would set a good example for both my nephews if there was ever a way I could get them all in one room together. His dad still works as a professional drummer who I invited my nephews to go see with me next month, but with the graduations and family stuff, I'm not sure it will work out.

I am very happy for Tom Campbell's Big TOE and the people it's lately connecting me with. The impact it's had on my life has been significant, and I am grateful to the universe for answering my prayer of bringing me a smart, non-drinker, non-TV watching, non-sports person, who would be open with me and answer my direct questions with straightforward answers and help me learn how to be the best me I can be. It's been a fantastic 18 months!

Love,
Lynda
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Authenticity

Authenticity resonates with me, and certain teachers (words, people, experiences) ring true.

Actors and people who wear multiple masks come off as inauthentic to me. It seems they think they are chameleons, delighting in changing their appearance or costume to match their surroundings, but I prefer to be my true self, all the time.

This means I generally mean what I say and say what I mean. I have a reputation for being "outspoken" and "opinionated" not to mention "loud" and "abrasive" but in my mind, if you can't stand the heat, please get the *f* out of my kitchen.

In other words, I move away from people whose energy I cannot stand to be around, and I would ask you to kindly please do the same. If my energy or voice is abrasive or obnoxious to you, or you cannot be near me because I smoke, I'll ask that you keep your distance, we are probably better online than in person.

However, for those of you who CAN stand to be in my presence, I enjoy your company. I appreciate your acceptance of me and my habits and personality. I realize I tend towards bodacious and bawdy, and I am delighted that you either find that entertaining or mind it little enough to stick around.

My dear friends and family provide a support network whether they know it or not. I thrive on positive feedback and learn from the negative. This does not mean I want you to train me like a dog;  the universe has already been doing that ever since I became aware of it about 5 years ago. What it means, is, if you have a compliment for me, please pay it, and if you have some gentle but constructive criticism, I would like to hear that as well, if you are able to present it in a way that is educational for me and not just critical.

I learn best by example. Other people set examples for me of how I'd like to be and, perhaps  more importantly, how I'd like NOT to be. When I weighed 200 pounds, I did not feel I was setting a good example for anyone.

Now that I am back down to 150 and headed for 135 where I belong, it is easier for me to demonstrate what it can mean to be an active, loving, conscious, caring, empathetic, non-judgmental smoker.

I may not walk the talk 100% of the time yet, but I am certainly walking TOWARDS the talk!

Love,
Lynda
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Driving Tour May 16th

What makes me Me

Lately I am learning I am a "Highly Sensitive Person" (Hereafter referred to with the TLA: "HSP")

I am not only highly sensitive, but a mid-forties woman who has worked now for 30 years and smoked for just as long.

These links and this "diagnosis" help me understand myself so much better now!

From: http://www.highlysensitivepeople.com/

You have a heightened awareness of subtleties in your environment, whether it's sight, sound, touch, taste, or smell. (I have princess and the pea syndrome. I don't like things touching my back, and notice when people are too close or about to touch me. I am also highly observant)

You can become stressed out and upset when overwhelmed and may find it necessary to get away, maybe into a darkened room, to seek solitude, relief and comfort.  (This is why I smoke and drive around in my car a lot - to be away from people's energy and immersed in just my own)

You are very creative. (Never thought so but only because I was never encouraged to be anything but smart and logical growing up)

You are very conscientious, hard working, and meticulous, but may become uncomfortable and less efficient or productive when being watched or scrutinized. (Yes, this describes my work habits perfectly. I make more mistakes when people watch me over my shoulder)

You feel compelled to file and organize things and thoughts, also enjoy simplicity and may become overwhelmed or even immobilized by chaos, clutter, or stress. 

You are very uncomfortable when feeling things are getting out of your control. (My psychic says my smoking is a way of exercising Control)

You get a sense of comfort and well being when around a lake, river, stream, the ocean, or even a fountain. (Yes. I love to be near water and find it very soothing)

You may experience mood swings, sometimes occurring almost instantly and can also be affected by other people's moods, emotions and problems. (Yes, I have mood swings. I am very happy when I'm happy, and very not when I am not :)

You have a deep, rich, inner life, are very spiritual, and may also have vivid dreams. (OK, this may be true, but I don't like to be thought of as delusional or living in a fantasy world)

You are very intuitive and you feel that you can usually sense if someone isn't telling the truth or if something else is wrong. (I often finish others' sentences because I know ahead of time what word they are reaching for, it just pops into my head)

You get concerned and think or worry about many things, and have also been told "you take things too personally." (YES! I worry about the elderly, the challenged, the animals, the children, anyone who can be taken advantage of and cannot defend them self!)
 
more to consider... Can be startled easily. (I jump at loud noises or people coming up behind me) Cautious in new situations.  Don't like crowds (unless they are kindred spirits). Avoids violent movies and TV shows. Has a deep respect and appreciation of nature, music and art. (I stopped watching scary movies after "Scream"  gave me nightmares, and I stopped watching TV for the most part two and a half years ago. Real Time, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy theory are a few of the shows I will still consider watching, and I caught the first episode of American Idol when Steven Tyler started judging).


http://www.hsperson.com/

• Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population--too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.
• It is innate. In fact, biologists have found it to be in most or all animals, from fruit flies and fish to dogs, cats, horses, and primates. This trait reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting. The brains of highly sensitive persons (HSPs) actually work a little differently than others'.
• You are more aware than others of subtleties. This is mainly because your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. So even if you wear glasses, for example, you see more than others by noticing more.
• You are also more easily overwhelmed. If you notice everything, you are naturally going to be overstimulated when things are too intense, complex, chaotic, or novel for a long time.
• This trait is not a new discovery, but it has been misunderstood. Because HSPs prefer to look before entering new situations, they are often called "shy." But shyness is learned, not innate. In fact, 30% of HSPs are extraverts, although the trait is often mislabeled as introversion. It has also been called inhibitedness, fearfulness, or neuroticism. Some HSPs behave in these ways, but it is not innate to do so and not the basic trait.
• Sensitivity is valued differently in different cultures. In cultures where it is not valued, HSPs tend to have low self-esteem. They are told "don't be so sensitive" so that they feel abnormal.

http://www.sensitiveperson.com/attribts.htm

Attributes and Characteristics of Being Highly Sensitive

Emotionally, Highly Sensitive People (HSP) are mainly seen as shy, introverted and socially inhibited (or can be socially extroverted). They are often acutely aware of other's emotions. Sensitive people learn early in life to mask their wonderful attributes of sensitivity, intuition and creativity.

Physically, HSPs may have low tolerance to noise, glaring lights, strong odors, clutter and/or chaos. They tend to have more body awareness of themselves and know instinctually when the environment they are in is not working for them.

Socially, introverted HSP may feel like misfits. They actually enjoy their own company and are totally comfortable being alone. Both introverted and socially extroverted HSP often find they need time alone to recover after social interactions.

Psychologically, HSPs compensate for their sensitivity by either protecting themselves by being alone too much, or, by trying to be 'normal' or sociable which then over-stimulates them into stress.

Work and career is particularly challenging for HSPs. They are often overlooked for promotions even though they are usually the most conscientious employees. They are excellent project oriented employees because they are responsible and thorough in their work.

Relationships can be difficult. In relationships they may be confronted with their unresolved personal issues. They can however, offer their partner the gifts of their intuitive insights.

Culturally, HSPs do not fit the tough, stoic and outgoing ideals of modern society and what is portrayed in the entertainment media.

***Childhood wounds*** have a more *devastating* effect on HSPs. It is important for them to heal their past hurts because they cannot just forget them and go on in denial. (I can forgive but it is hard for me to forget)

Spiritually, sensitive people have a greater capacity for inner searching. This is one of their greatest blessings.

Nutritionally, HSPs may need more simplicity in their diet. They may be vitally aware of the effects of food on the health of their body and their emotional stability.
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Things I've learned

OMG I've stuffed so much into my brain these past three months I can barely see straight.

I've learned about WinXP, Vista and Win 7 and the similarities and differences amongst them.

Same with Chrome, IE and Firefox, also different versions and service packs.

I bought my first laptop and MP3 player and learned how to use both of those.

I learned 40 new names and personalities at my new wonderful company and how to navigate the waters here in Natick.

I've learned Request Tracker, Cacti, Open Office writer and calc, learned about viewers and readers and how to save files into different formats.

I've learned who publishes Everquest, Everquest II, Combat Arms, Second Life and Reaction Grid. Plus a whole lot of others.

I've created more passwords for myself and others in the past three months than probably my entire life before February 2011.

I've learned about uploading and downloading and sharing files and data, and some more filename extensions than I knew before.

I've learned how to do a complete system recovery, but that one I unfortunately learned the hard way.

I've learned it's better to let the other person talk than to talk myself. I'm a good listener.

I need to do it more.

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Amazon and the Shift Affiliate

https://shiftnetwork.infusionsoft.com/go/aff/Aero123


Ok so I've been an Amazon Affiliate for a while now but not promoting my blog at all because I'm not a sales person. I figured if I was talking about some book I loved, I could post a link to the book and then if anybody bought it maybe I'd get a kickback.


Well, becoming an Amazon affiliate was so painless, that when I was given the opportunity to affiliate with The Shift Network, I jumped at the chance. This is something I can sell. These are teleconferences and seminars I will enjoy sharing with anyone and everyone. 


So stay tuned, whoever out there has stumbled onto my page, because I will be updating this as new links become available. For now feel free to click my link above and see what happens.

Love,
Lynda

My first time at a startup

I've worked for semi-established or fully-established companies my whole life, places like banks and Bose. Now, at the age of 44, I find myself starting fresh at a a startup company.  Here at this startup, I've come to find out, I have been over-educated in the corporate world with lots of fear about Doing the Wrong Thing. I have to curb my sense of humor, it's too bawdy. I have to control my voice, it's too loud. I have to be concerned with other people's privacy, we do not want a lawsuit. I have to reign in my sexuality, we do not want Harassment issues. My language is foul and not professional enough. I cannot talk about politics or religion or anything I do outside of work.


At work, I have been very closed down. Now I wonder how much of my inhibitions were self-control and how much was "toeing the corporate line". I guess here at this startup, I will find out, because my wonderful boss is encouraging me to be myself. I wonder now what my self is. It used to be hard for me to be myself when I believed my self to have a bodacious, unacceptable personality. But how much of that was me, and how much of it was my "training"?


This is one of those public journal posts where I am not sure what I'm trying to say, and hoping by saying it here I can figure it out. I guess the bottom line is, I will be interested to find out Who I Am, in the context of this role, this company and this environment.


It should be very interesting to behold...


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The Voice

Some people close to me have heard this story, but I don't tell it too often because I don't want to go back to the mental hospital, and people tend to think you're crazy when you hear voices in your head.

Well, I don't hear voices, it's just one voice. One Voice, I should say, because it feels like it wants to be capitalized.

This Voice has spoken to me clearly on three separate occasions. It's never been wrong to date.

The first time was when I was about 18-22. I had just walked out of a nearby convenience store and the Voice said, "Go back in there and buy that scratch ticket that had the yellow frame around it" so I did, and it was a $500 winner!

The second time was on my first date with Paul. He told me his last name was Sterling, and the Voice said (with a gasp) "You're gonna marry this guy!". I didn't believe it at the time; I had no plans to marry anybody. But it was right! 4 and a half years later we were married. I had lost my job and health insurance, and we were engaged, and Paul said, "now you have to marry me!" I joke that it was the most romantic thing he ever said to me.

The most recent time was a few years ago when I first started working at BrassRing. Forgive me if I have blogged about this already, it is feeling awfully familiar. My best friend Dianne said to go to Sadies and try their Teriyaki chicken. Well, pulling up to Sadies, before going in there for the first time, the Voice said "someone inside here is going to introduce you to the members of Aerosmith" and, like when it told me I would marry Paul, I basically said to myself, that's ridiculous! But sure enough, I met Casey at Sadies and it was through Casey that I met Joe Perry for the first time. Casey got me invited to an exclusive party in Waltham in honor of the launch of Joe's new flavor of hot sauce, "Mango Tango". Two days later Casey convinced me to go meet Joe again at the Barnes and Noble in Boston, where he was signing Horse books with his wife. Casey and I met Brad together at a guitar shop in Boston, and Casey and I met Tom together at Mohegan Sun. So once again the voice was 100% correct.

I have no idea who it is or where it comes from, but I wish I could get that voice to talk to me more!

Years ago I went through a phase of always having headphones and a CD player on. I remember coming in to work one day and telling my colleague, I bet one day, we all walk around with headsets on, and just plug in to wherever we are. Get to work, plug in to the phone, get in the car, plug in to the radio, get home, plug in to the computer or tv or whatever.

Well today I actualized that vision. I came home from work and it was the first really nice day we've had so far this year. We've had some sunny days in the 50's but today was forecast to be 60 and in fact at one point it reached 67. Plus we just changed the clocks ahead so it's staying lighter much later this week. So when I got home from work, I found myself wanting to walk my two big dogs. I set about trying to find a working CD player and headset. I found an old portable CD player for the car that my sister had handed down to me. But what to do for headphones? What could I use? Could the headset and mike I'd bought a few months ago, to Skype with Tom Campbell and friends, actually fit in that CD player and work? I tried it and why, yes! Yes it could! So my doggies had a fun walk and I rocked out to Aerosmith Done with Mirrors and all in all it was a beautiful evening.

I love a happy ending.

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February Dream Journal

Well my trick with the car did not get me lucid so I tried another tack. I decided since I often see my mother in my dreams, that the next time I saw her, I should realize it's a dream and become lucid. Well only a few sleeps after making that decision, there she was so I tried it! She was standing there with me and my best friend Dianne and I said, Mom!  You're here! That means this is a dream! This is a dream!

When I said it the second time, Dianne changed from her ordinary Caucasian self into a black person. I found that interesting to note.

Even though I had the realization it was a dream, I did not fly, remote view the winning Powerball numbers, or go visit any of the people I intended to "drop in on" if I ever gained lucidity. Oh well, tonight is another night.

Two other really memorable portions from the dream:

1.) I was working in an office building. I was out back for some reason (smoking?). Out back were two town workers (I had two town workers in my house this morning, before taking the nap that gave me this dream) in a gigantic blue vehicle/machine type contraption on tall skinny legs. The thing must have been fifty or sixty feet tall. It towered over me. The two workers were sort of having an argument. I think one of them did not want to drop their load while I was standing there watching. Someone else was outside too, but I think she had her back turned to the workers. She was pretty with short, dark hair, but I did not recognize her. The one who wanted to drop the load finally said something to the effect of, well are we gonna sit here and argue all day, or are we gonna do this thing? At which point the machine/vehicle backed up a bit, and the load it was carrying came down from the back of it and was deposited on the ground, and the workers immediately ske-daddled out of there. I walked over closer to the thing they left behind, and it was a blue nest of sorts, quite a large one, sort of sized and shaped like a hot tub, with what appeared to be a mother and several baby demon/dragon/dinosaur beings with scary red eyes. Somewhere I had seen these before, possibly on YouTube or in a movie. I knew this was not good and it became my responsibility to let everybody know. I went upstairs to where one of my co-workers sat on the 7th floor, and persuaded her to come to the window with me, but I knew so much time had passed, the nest and the critters would be gone by the time we got to the window and I was right. But I said I wouldn't have believed it either if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I believe I was wishing I had had my camera (I've wished I had my camera handy a couple of times recently in real life.)

2.) The office building changed into a hotel and back into an office building. Someone had died and people were crying. Again I was smoking a cigarette and so could not go past the entryway, and I told Dianne, who had gone ahead of me, that I wasn't going in. She came out too and we watched as someone tried to hit someone else with a car. Then a guy named Jerry was in another car, a black futuristic Mustang-looking type car, and he came after me and Dianne in it! But luckily he did not allow enough clearance for a big pillar and slammed into that with the side of his car, not hurting him but preventing him from hitting us with it.
______________________________

I will try again if I see either of my parents in my dreams and let you know how it goes.
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January 2011 Dream Journal

Ok so I haven't been recording my dreams but I've still been having some. My plan was to get in the habit of asking myself regularly if I'm dreaming, especially in the car since I have so many driving dreams. Well last night I had another one, where I'm going too fast around a corner and I can feel myself losing control of the car and it all gets very scary because I don't realize I'm dreaming. Well last night when it happened, instead of calmly asking myself "Am I dreaming?" and then if the answer was yes, trying to become lucid, it was more like "Am I dreaming? Because if I am, I better wake up right now!" That wasn't the right way to go about it, because it woke me right up!

Next time I will try to remember when I ask, "Am I dreaming?" to wait for the answer and follow on with "If so, I'd like to become lucid"